Chapter 53

 The woman bit her lip with humiliation. Clementina sat down again. When Ella sat down, the duke took a napkin and wiped the sweat from her forehead. Was he giving medicine after causing illness? A hollow laugh came up, but if she let out a snicker, she might be found as a dead body the next morning. She moistened her throat while casting her gaze out the window.

 Ella glanced at the man. The touch that tucked her fallen hair behind her ear was affectionate. Her mouth was dry, so she took a sip of water. No matter how much she drank, her thirst wasn’t quenched, and instead her stomach just felt full. The magnificent feast on the table made her nauseous. How well he does this. The reason for him staging this in front of the woman who would become his wife was obvious without looking. That his wife is superior to her, so she shouldn’t even think about causing trouble. That would be the meaning.

 Even if he maintained appearances in front of his legal wife, a concubine was just a concubine. Strength entered her hand holding the knife. She blinked quickly to swallow her anger. Larque would marry the woman in front of him. Only that simple proposition was clear in her mind.

 Even if she wanted to think of something else, the proposition that wouldn’t leave was like an organic substance. Step by step, it was expanding its territory. She recalled the events of the day. Lucretia had proposed marriage, and Larque had accepted it. Plausible persuasion and compromises came back, but in reality, she hadn’t heard anything.

 She looked ahead while poking her rapidly rising and falling chest with her finger. The lady who had reportedly traveled for three full days without sleeping was a beautiful maiden just over twenty. She didn’t appear to have any flaws in her character or any rough edges. Like noble maidens from any family, she was cheerful in a pure and elegant way, like someone who had grown up robustly with love. To the extent that it was embarrassing to have been speculating with all sorts of malicious thoughts from the moment she heard the word marriage.

 She wasn’t a bad person. If only she openly hated her like Guinevere, she would repay with equal hatred. She felt ashamed of herself for having added all sorts of delusions out of an inability to hide her jealousy simply because she would occupy the position of the duke’s legal wife. Above all, the lady was a good person. She was so good that she couldn’t hate her. Even though she was suffering from jealousy to the point where her fingertips tingled, what could she do but endure?

 “Just a moment……”

 She rose from her seat. If she stayed any longer, she really felt like she would faint. As she stood up intending to catch her breath, Larque gave her a suspicious look. After saying she would return, she left the room.

 ‘He’s getting married. Finally, he……’

 Ella, who had left the corridor, sat down right there. The secluded path near the warehouse had its lights turned off. She panted and moved her lips. The voice she had heard up close in the morning rubbed against her ears.

 *** 

 “Eselmund’s position remains the same. The meaning of the child doesn’t change.”

 It was a calm tone. Just like always, calm and dry with a colorless tone. Ella looked at him as he was. She tried her best not to hear it in a distorted way. She didn’t want to do things like imagining on her own and adding corrupted facts to that imagination to ruin the foundation. From now on, she really needed to be careful.

 “I don’t understand what you mean.”

 “It’s exactly as you heard. Even if I get married, it means that the position of you and the child remains the same.”

The flesh under her eyes twitched. Ella wiped her eyes at the jerking, twisting movement. She moved her stiff back muscles slightly. The sweat-soaked hem of her clothes felt sticky in a way that didn’t seem real. She looked at the man without answering. No words came out of her half-stupidly open mouth.

 “Ella.”

 “Yes.”

 “Nothing will change.”

 “Yes.”

 She answered neither slowly nor quickly. In fact, she couldn’t think of anything else to say. That’s not to say she had nothing to say. The anger and sorrow that kept surging up were overwhelming. She felt stifled, either from being too tense or too dazed.

 “I, I……”

 “Where are you thinking of going again?”

 “……What do you mean?”

 “The place you’re trying to escape to.”

 “……”

 “Ella.”

 It was a dark voice. Ella looked at the man’s sunken face and then turned her gaze away. The corners of her lips moved slightly. She stood up and looked down at the man. Her pulse beat faster than ever.

 “You know I’m an orphan. I have nowhere to go.”

 She had more to say, but her tongue stiffened. It was ridiculous to ask about where she would escape to first. In fact, she was equally ridiculous. She had received no promises. A bedchamber maid and her master. They had never expanded beyond that realm.

 Thinking about it, the duke had never said he would marry her. It was natural, but now that she thought about it, she was surprised that this man had never even falsely promised to give her everything. She barely managed to hold back the stinging in her eyes. He had never said, even with empty words, that he wanted to keep her as his only wife.

 Like waiting for a lover with no promise…… So stupidly…… Even in that moment of escape, had there been even the slightest hope? That was frustrating, that was sorrowful, and that hurt as if her heart was being torn apart. Her stinging eyes eventually became wet. When she blinked, a tear fell on her right cheek. Larque had already stood up. Seeing his shoes approaching her, Ella stepped back.

 “I said nothing will change. You and your child…… will remain the same. I will love you as much as I do now.”

 She raised her head. His firm jaw became two, then three, then merged back into one. Just as she was about to roll her lips inward to bite them, a wet sob escaped her mouth.

 “Ella.”

 “……I hate it.”

 “I won’t sleep with that woman. I won’t have an heir from her either.”

 Then what’s the reason for getting married? The consecutive questions that arose were painful. She shook her head. It’s an excuse. Nothing but an excuse. Seeing him laying out such ridiculous excuses to appease the feelings of a lowly woman, it seems the duke has fallen hard for her.

 “I hate it. I hate it.”

 Strength entered the large hand that gripped her wrist. Suddenly feeling disgusted, she shook her captured wrist. He didn’t let go. Ella glared at him with flashing eyes. He’s always like this. Arrogant and oppressive. Yes, even if he says he loves, he’s this self-centered. Is this love? Is it because he’s originally this kind of person that even his love is so vertical?

 “I, I……”

 She swallowed her tears. She felt like going crazy from the sorrow, anger, and sense of betrayal. Why on earth. From a young age, from a very young age, she had known it would be like this. Ella opened her eyes wide. Right. She had always known it would end up like this. That’s why she hadn’t wanted to love. No matter how much she ran, no matter how lovely…… Her insides burned. No, it couldn’t all be expressed as burning. It felt like being torn apart. It felt like being torn apart by this man’s hands, becoming a complete mess beyond repair. She couldn’t believe he had finally abandoned her. And that today was that day.

 She recalled the days when she had tried to leave first because she didn’t want to be abandoned. If they couldn’t be horizontal, she would cut off the falling trajectory. To completely diverge and turn her back. That was her resolution. Such, such…… Even when she had conceived Eselmund, she had felt that way. She loved him, but out of fear, she had wanted to run away.

 This noose tightening around her neck felt like it would cut off her breath someday. When would it ever stop? It would have been better if she could have been indifferent. If what this man wanted wasn’t her love but just her body. Then she could have lived coquettishly like a cat on his lap. But you’re not like that. You acted as if you would give me everything.

 “I hate it.”

 Her lips trembled as tears hung from her eyes. Her face, reddened with anger, contorted greatly as sobs escaped.

 “Why did you love me? Why do you want love from me? I, I didn’t want to love you. Even now, even now…… I don’t want to love you. Loving is too miserable. I don’t have anything……”

 She couldn’t believe his words that he wouldn’t sleep with that woman either. Because situations always change unpredictably. She wasn’t foolish enough to believe promises spoken aloud. She couldn’t bear to imagine him lying with another woman. Rather than seeing that, she would prefer to jump off the castle wall.

 To avoid seeing that, no, to prepare herself to endure even if she saw it someday, she had been preparing. If she ran away, could she distance herself from him? If she ran away, she wouldn’t know how he lived. As time passed, wouldn’t her love fade so that she could live regardless of what woman he lived with or how?